Reaching Out

I would like to reach out to all those who were sexually abused by women. I was sexually abused by my lesbian mother's partner when I was a little girl. I have been in intensive therapy on three separate occasions, all when encountering a crises in my life. Upon going to a therapist my first question would be--have you encountered this type of sexual abuse? All answered no. I was told that I should be able to find chat rooms or support groups online or in big cities. I have found neither. I was treated as a woman would be treated had she been abused by a man. The last therapist admitted that although there should be differing treatment plans, there were no guidelines when dealing with this kind of sexual abuse.

From the age of 2-6 I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by my mother's lesbian partner. My older sister and I suffered horrific abuse at the hands of the woman that was supposed to be caring for us. She was truly evil. As if this was not enough I was sexually assaulted by a friends grandfather at the age of 14 and date raped at 15. I left home when I was 15 and bounced around until marrying.

I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, had anxiety issues, and was borderline agoraphobic. With the help of a great therapist and the love and support of my husband and three children I am happy and physically and emotionally healthy. I still have bad days and still suffer from nightmares and flashbacks, but I have learned to lean on someone for support when necessary. I hope to connect with others such as myself and through networking we may be able to not only help ourselves but help others in the process.

This is a problem that is not readily accepted in our society and dealt with accordingly. Women are looked upon as nurturers and caring, compassionate people. Like men, there are women who go against the norm and defile children and steal their innocence. Only when something horrible happens, such as the case with Melissa Huckaby, does the media or society as a whole sit up and take notice. It then seems to fade away over time. People are generally unreceptive to the idea that women can be pedophiles. They are just as capable of committing atrocious acts against children as men are.







Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Good Days


"Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?"
                                                                                                                   Rose Kennedy


Those who suffer from depression or have experienced a traumatic event will have bad days.  These can range in varying degrees from debilitating to just a minor irritation.  These days make the good days all the more sweeter.  When having an especially good day I like to bask in the glow of happiness, experience it to the max.  It is these good days that make the bad ones tolerable.  When having a bad day I tell myself that it will not last and I try to concentrate on the good things in my life.  This works for me.  Maybe some of you have suggestions as to what works for you.  I would love to hear them.


When having a good day I try not to think or dwell on things that bring up painful memories of the past.  Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.  Usually on the good days memories of the past can't encroach on my happiness, but occasionally a particularly bad memory will creep up and not be banished.  In my case if I hear of a story on the news of a child being abused, harmed, or of a rape this will bring on some bad moments.  Sometimes I can pray about it and move on, other times it will set me back for a day or more.  


On the especially bad days I like to count my blessings.  I pray and thank God for all of the good things in my life.  At the top of the list is my faith, family, home, and pets.  Those that are not faithful can still do this by meditating on all of the blessings in your life.  No matter how bad your life is there will always be something to be thankful for if we look hard enough.  On the good days I also thank God for my blessings, they are just all the more sweeter because it is a good day.


In the first post I stated that I would speak of a different aspect of my abuse.  In this post I will discuss emotional abuse.  Throughout my life I felt that I never lived up to my mother's expectations.  If I was thin she would say I had chicken legs, if I was of normal weight she would say I had large thighs.  She was forever finding fault with me.  Two years ago she was going to have triple bypass surgery.  I had not seen her in eight years or spoken to her in two, but I made the decision to travel ten hours to be there for her surgery.  Upon entering her hospital room I realized that she did not recognize me.  I looked exactly as I always had, same hairstyle and everything.  While hugging my oldest daughter, who had made the trip with me, she stated "I never thought I would see a stomach on you".  My daughter, who was twenty-two at the time, thought she was talking to her.  That was preposterous given that she is five feet and under a hundred pounds.  When my daughter realized she was talking to me she told her grandma that my stomach was due to abdominal surgery that I had, my fourth abdominal surgery.  I didn't have much of a pooch, I was a size six and five foot four.  I let it pass, but her hurtful comment was an omen of what was to come.  I was there for only three days and spent less than five total hours with her while she was awake and talking.  In those five hours I was not only told that I had a stomach but that she was glad my hair was different because it had always been boring, my hair was exactly the same as always.  She also told me I had a large nose, high forehead, and numerous other problems with my appearance.  All of this was done in front of my daughter and was quite degrading to me.  


The day after her surgery we went to visit her in the ICU.  She started with the criticism of not only me but also of my husband.  This was too much for us.  I made the decision to leave a day early and we made the ten hour drive home that day


After returning home I was in such bad shape and so depressed that I had to go back into therapy.  The nightmares, flashbacks, and depression were so bad that I was having a hard time coping.  I would have a new therapist and fortunately we clicked.  At the start of the first session she asked what brought me there.  I explained about going to Florida for my mother's open heart surgery and the negative things that she said.  The therapist's reply was "So she is still emotionally abusing you".  I had never thought of my mother as being abusive towards me, negligent yes, abusive no.  This was very enlightening to me.  I was able to look back over my life and really see that she had emotionally abused my for my entire life.
While this knowledge brought pain it also brought healing.  I was able to focus on this particular abuse and begin to face the problems that it had caused me.


My mother passed away six months ago and although her emotional abuse has stopped the painful memories still linger.  I forgave her and try not to dwell on them.  It's memories such as these that make the good days all the better.  When having a good day rejoice in it, do something for yourself, and live, laugh, and love!
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